If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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