The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
