I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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