i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Text me some of your sweat
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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