I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
It's shark week go big or go home
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
