I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
