some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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