There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize