Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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