i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
