Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Michael Bay diarrhea
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
