if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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