M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Your cock deserves a montage
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
