I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
That reminds me...we need to get swords
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
