and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
