its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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