i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize
