she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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