i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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