Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize