I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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