chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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