woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
