why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
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