Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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