You just made me feel so damn special
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Randomize
