when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
