Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
This is classic penis vs brain.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
