I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
