Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
