My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
