i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
