all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
