you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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