Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Randomize
