You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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