literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
