Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize