yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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