I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
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