I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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