whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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