just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
