I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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