she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Can Purell be used as lube?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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