I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
