He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
