he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
