Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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