I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Randomize
