9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
