i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Randomize
