My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
