I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
