Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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