my sisters under your porch take her home
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
