I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
