Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
