Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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