Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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