Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize