If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
