My pussy is not your playground.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
