My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
