before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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