did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
This house was built for laser tag.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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