He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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