Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
