The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
