Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
