when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
