Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
