everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
