she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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