4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
