if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
