I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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