Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Randomize
