I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
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